My Mother-In-Law, her husband (Fred) plus Cheryl and I planned a trip to Las Vegas to see their favorite singing group The Lettermen. The concert was postponed but they still decided to drive all the way from Orlando, Florida to visit us.  We decide to still go on the short trip down to Las Vegas with them. Vegas ain't close but it is a pretty easy trip from our house to the hotel in Vegas. You drive down Center Street to Interstate 15 turn left then continue on about 380 Miles, get off at exit 39, make a left on Spring Mountain road, and then another left on to Las Vegas Blvd.
 
You see a lot of rock on this trip but it is piled up differently so for the first couple of hundred miles you get to comment on how high it is piled, or if it is Igneous, Sedimentary or Metamorphic rock. You can also comment on the trees and bushes along the way, but they are not quite as interesting to talk about as the rock.
 
All of this driving and geology made us hungry so we decided to look for a place to eat. Since this is Southern Utah and most of the signs only point out that you are heading toward Las Vegas and away from Salt Lake City you really need to pay attention to where you want to eat. Fred who is driving in sort of a low orbit at just below Mach 1.2 can't really do his reentry maneuver unless you give him more than a few seconds notice. The phrase, “We just went past a Burger King” doesn't help since the next ranch road is never closer than 15 miles away which would normally mean thirty minutes lost.
 
We decide to stop at Beaver, Utah the birthplace of Philo T. Farnsworth, the inventor of television and the outlaw Butch Cassidy.  (Philo only invented the television not Butch Cassidy, Butch just happened to also be born in Beaver.  I assume Philo wanted to look at something besides rocks and Butch took up a life of crime because he was born in Beaver before television.)  We had to warn Fred about fifty miles out so he could fire the retro-rockets. Lunch was very nice and we decided to stop at the same place on the way back.   Cheryl decided that she would drive allowing the skin of the vehicle to cool down a bit. She of course changed her mind after a few hundred miles, since having three people comment on your driving is only fun for the first fifty or so miles then it just gets kind of silly.
 
We arrived safely at the hotel with Fred back behind the wheel pretending to be slightly hard of hearing as additional directions, comments, observations, and irrelevant information from three backseat drivers were ignored in the calm but firm way that only a man married for 28 years can achieve.   The hotel decided it would speed up the check-in process by having us get out of the car and negotiate baggage handling and valet service separately, which I found interesting but some how unenjoyable.

Fred and my mother-in-law had made the reservation, so the room was on their credit card and their address.  I was allowed to leave it on their address which means I will not get as much junk mail but they wouldn’t allow me to leave it on their credit card.   We went up to the room to tip the bellboy for bringing up the luggage and then immediately went back down to gamble.   My mother-in-law won a couple of hundred dollars in the first couple of hours so it was decided that the four hour per day minimum to be rated* by the casino would be easily maintained over the next three days.     

I am not much of a gambler.  In the Army I would hand the dealer $20 bucks he would divide it among the other players and they would wave goodbye saying, “Too Bad, Better luck next time, and your really improving.”  We found this system much more enjoyable all around, and quite a bit cheaper for me than having them really deal me into a game.     I did play money man for Cheryl which was about as enjoyable as handing the dealer $20 bucks.  I never did any gambling but the first day I was already down $12.   Cheryl for some reason believed she had broken even.  The big winner the first day was Cheryl’s Mom who was up about $1,000 after the first day and had a bruise from pulling the handle down on the slot machine.   I was also amazed how dirty your hands can get from putting quarters into a slot machine. I think they would make you wash up before they would let you mine coal.  

I did take some advice from one of the casino’s worker. They tell you not to because they staff will normally point you to a slot machine and tell you, “That machine is hot.”  This way if you win you will tip them for the advice and of course if you lose they are not out anything.    I asked what machine I should play and he pointed one out to me.  I played it all night and broke even which isn’t too bad.   I would pump in quarters sometimes one at a time and other times I would put in a whole roll.   I would push down the lever and every time I’d hear the lovely sound of quarters spilling back out.   I played for ten hours until the security guard came over and told me I either had to make a call or stop playing with the phones.

I decided to find Cheryl and do what every tourist does in Las Vegas, we did a force march down Las Vegas boulevard.  I made her walk into every casino on the strip, hoping to see something new and exciting but mostly we just saw a lot of slot machines and gambling tables.   Cheryl puts up with it because she knows that no matter what city I take her to I am too cheap to spring for a taxi.  So she ends up having to do a 25 mile road march until she finally ends it by saying, “We need to stop for some aspirin.”   This of course means two things the hike is over and pretty much that tonight the phrase, “I have a headache,” is a lock.    Of course we have adjoining rooms with her Mom in the next room so the “I have a headache” line is not that big a deal.

I want to see a real “Vegas show” with showgirls wearing Vegas costumes, meaning very large hats and very little else, but it is hard to find.  A lot of comedy, singers, and shows that are sold out four months in advance.  We looked for a good show but being a guy I refuse to ask anybody.  We end up in a coffee shop since it is the only place you can sit and not have to gamble.   Since it is June in Las Vegas and I have been walking my wife around for about 6 hours she is a bit testy from the heat.   We spend just enough time to miss the show and the next one isn’t until 11:00 pm which my wife explains is not going to happen with the headache that she has now and which promises only to get worse.    We head back to the hotel and see a full sea battle put on by the Treasure Island Hotel.  It is free and my friend Susan described it to me after her flight to Vegas to get married.   It was as good as anything you would see at Disneyland but all the more impressive because it is happening on Las Vegas Boulevard.   

We walk back to our hotel and then stopped in front of the Mirage casino to look at the beautiful fountain that erupts into a simulated volcano.  I am really cheap but don't feel so bad now about the $12 I lost after seeing the free shows on the street.   It was also a lot of fun to people watch and just see the casino’s lights.   I was going to play the phone a bit more but the security guard was keeping an eye on me so we headed up to bed.   Watching the people and traffic on the street was exciting, hearing them while trying to go to sleep wasn’t as much fun.   The people in the room the night before us must have decided to take a nap and then get up at 1:00 am and play some more.  I guessed this when the alarm in the room went off at one in the morning.   I was not pleased and since I pay my son 50c every time I swear was glad he wasn’t there or I would have been down a lot more then $12 that night.

We got up and did Breakfast early to maximize our gambling time.  Being up a thousand dollars does get you motivated.  I hung around a bit and watched them play but decided that a tour of Hoover Dam seemed like a good idea for the day.    The tour cost $80 for Cheryl and me and of course we wouldn’t be able to get Cheryl’s Mom out of the casino with dynamite.    I won’t spend too much time on the tour, to sum it up the dam is very big and it holds a lot of water.   A bit less water than it has in the past because the Western U.S. is in a drought but still it seemed like a lot of water to me.

We got back around dinner time and found out that Fred had won $2,000.  We also found out if you win $2,000 that the IRS would like to know about it so they take down your name, social security number and inform you that Uncle Sam wants his cut.   Cheryl decides that she should play some as well.  I decided to go up to the room since I don’t want to get sucked into something that I believe would only end badly.   I am sitting on the bed watching an educational movie whose title I am told will not be displayed on my bill when the door opens and another couple comes into the room.  They are a bit red faced and I tell them that I plan on staying in the room awhile longer so they might want to find another room.    I call down to the front desk to complain. I am told that I might have left the door slightly ajar.  I’m pretty sure I didn’t but since the couple had left in a hurry and had closed the door pretty hard on the way out I wasn’t really able to check.   I did of course ensure the door was tightly closed every time after that.   

We had dinner, which I wanted to pay for since you should never use gambling money for anything other than gambling but I believe I was a bit too slow pulling out my wallet.  Fred got stuck with the bill as he did every other time.  I think I did have to buy breakfast at McDonnell’s once but only because Fred had more patience than the girl behind the counter did and I finally had to pry my wallet out of my back pocket.

We went for another death march down the strip this time it was very busy and just about as hot but we got to show Fred all of the cool free stuff which I counted as my treat.   We went back to the room and being hot, sticky, tired and on the 16^th floor of course neither of our room keys worked.   That meant that we had to drag ourselves down to the front desk wait in line and complain.   I didn’t want to discuss it with the front desk so asked to see the manager, who we never really saw.  The clerk finally waited for the fire in my eyes to dampen and then asked, “Can I ask why you want to see the Manager?”  I explained that earlier a strange couple came into my room and now we could not.    The poor clerk started to explain that our keys might have been demagnetized which happens often.  I wanted to explain that if it happens so often maybe they should go back to keys, but I said we will wait for the manager.  I did make the mistake of asking her to check the keys which made her re-key them.     The manager did offer over the phone to move us to a mini-suite but since Cheryl already had a headache I didn’t really see the point.   We had adjoining rooms and it did allow us to listen for the TV in the morning since Cheryl has to eat breakfast within twenty minutes of waking or bad things happen.

I told her I didn’t need to move I just wanted to have someone next to the room so when I tried it again I wouldn’t have to walk back down to complain.  I also let it slip that I was a former Army sniper and that my sense of humor included telling her that I was a former Army sniper, meaning that I don’t have a very good sense of humor.   No one was waiting for us since I assume security told them that I was the same guy that had played the phone for ten hours.  She did call the room to check that we had gotten in and I assume to go off on her break if we hadn’t gotten in.

We got cleaned up and then went to dinner and a show.  I was too slow again to pay for either of them but dinner was very good and the show was a lot of fun.   It was celebrity impersonators, Diana Ross, Tom Jones, Cher, Janet Jackson, Bruce Springsteen, and of course Elvis.  Fred had slipped the usher twenty bucks to get us better seats so we were right up front.     Elvis did a very good job and picked out my mother-in-law to sing to and slipped his scarf over her shoulders which impressed us all, I assume my mother-in-law the most.

We went to the early show and I still wanted to see a traditional Vegas show so we went for another walk dragging Fred with us but he decided that he wanted to call it a night.  Cheryl really wanted to call it quits as well but stuck by me.   We took some photos of the strip and then found the show “Skintight.”  I'm not sure what the name referred to but I took it as a good sign.    The lead singer was a former Playboy playmate and I don’t really remember if she was a good singer or not but I enjoyed the show.   Cheryl seemed to have a good time and it was kind of a cross between the Chippendales and something you would see on the Playboy channel.   It got over at midnight and I had to run to keep up with Cheryl as she headed back to the room.   I don’t want you to get the wrong impression it was to go to sleep.   She brushed her teeth, slipped on her pajamas and then headed to bed.   I got ready for bed and when I came out of the bathroom I was greeted to a dark room and light snoring. 

The last day was a quick breakfast with way too much food, just like every other meal in Vegas, except for the one I paid for at McDonnell’s,  and more gambling.    I gave Cheryl a ten and then headed up to the room to pack.   She came up a couple of hours later handed me the ten back and said she was up $40.  I asked if I could get the $12 back from the day before but she explained that it was lost the previous day so no longer counted.   Fred was up $2,000, my mother-in-law was up $1,000, my wife was up $40 and I lost $12 and had only played the phone.  

Cheryl drove the first couple of hundred miles back North toward Hobble Creek, Utah.  She drove just a bit slower than Fred but wanted to stop for lunch much too early, sometime around two in the afternoon.   Since it was Sunday and we were back in Utah nothing was open at the first town she tried. Then following my excellent directions we ended up heading south on Interstate 15 which didn’t endear me to my in-laws or Cheryl.   She got us back on track and we flew into the same little café in Beaver Utah the birthplace of Philo T. Farnsworth, the inventor of television, and the outlaw Butch Cassidy.    It was now almost 4:00 pm so we had lunch/dinner.  Fred decided to drive the rest of the way since he is an expert at ignoring stupid advice from the backseat and we got home around 3:45 pm which I took as a sign that he might have driven too fast.

All I can say is it is good to be home.

* Rated.  Is a term a casino uses to measure how much money you gambled.  They don’t care if you win or lose, actually I am sure they do care but it doesn’t affect your rating, they just want to reward you for gambling as much as possible in their casino.  It is how they decide who to give complementary things like rooms, meals, and shows to the many people who stay at their hotel.  The more you gamble the higher your rating and the more “free” or “comped” things they will give you.

Postscript:  If the IRS is auditing this web site all monies won were subsequently lost by the aforementioned characters (which were also fictional and any resemblance to real characters is purely coincidental as was the city of Las Vegas, and the Great State of Utah.)