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This series addresses relationships based
on the idea that the purest form of love is the love that a parent has for a
child. It is important to understand what this really means. Not
everything that you do as a parent lives up to the standard that is explained in
this series. I truly love my children, but I am not always the perfect father. I
truly love my wife, but I am in no way the perfect husband. My family does
understand that I love them, they do not doubt it. They know that I will always
provide them with unconditional love. I love both my children and my wife as
purely as a parent loves their child. Before you remove the bookmark for this
page, rest assured that I don't mean that I treat my wife as if she was my
child. My wife is an independent woman who I respect and cherish. She is
financially and could be emotionally independent of me.
Parental love breaks through, that first time
you hear that you are going to be a parent. You visualize holding your child in
your arms, you pray that the baby will be happy. If you think of yourself at all
it is to question if you can really be a good parent. You do not feel a sense of
ownership, you feel a sense of responsibility. Will I be a good parent? Will I
allow them to grow into a well balanced healthy adult? Will I be there for them?
Unconditional love, I will love them no matter what. You want them to succeed
beyond your successes. If you dropped out of school, you want them to graduate
college. You want them to own a nicer home, go to better schools, fall in love.
You want the best for them.
You want to teach them, guide them and help
them succeed. You want them to be independent. You find their strengths and
highlight them. You find their weaknesses and try to minimize them. You
support them in their failures and revile in their accomplishments. You love
them unconditionally! Just before my son was born, I prayed to God that he be
born healthy, I am sure most parents know the prayer. It goes something like: "
God, I know I may have asked for some pretty selfish things before but please
just let this child be born healthy." It is not the last time as a parent you
will turn to God to intervene on your child's behalf. Or if you don't believe in
God, wish that maybe you were wrong and someone above could help your child
overcome the next hurdle that life is placed in the way.
When my first born was presented to me with all his
toes and fingers I asked, "Please let him be a happy child." Later when I
discovered that he was quite happy, I asked that he be smart. As he passed each
goal I put out there, I raised the stakes. I am sure God is tiring of all the
requests I send his way to improve the life of my children. I don't relate this
story to show my religious conviction. I spend too much time in thunderstorms to
tempt God in this way. I tell the story to show that as a parent I stopped
wishing for the nice BMW and started to wish for a happy child.
I, as all parents, take immense pride in the accomplishments of my children. I
am in competition with the rest of mankind, except for my wife and my children.
I want to be paid more then everyone
else. I want a bigger house, a nicer car, a better job than everyone except my
kids. I want my children to have everything better than I had it. I want my son,
and daughter to have a bigger house, a nicer car, and a better job than I have.
That is parental love. I love my parents but
I still want to have a better job than my dad did. I am in competition with my
dad. Of course he will help me win whenever it is in his power. He let me win at
tic-tack-toe. I let my son beat me. I push my children and only lose until they
understand how to win, then I win, until they improve enough to beat me. But I
want them to win. That is the most important part of this notion I want my child
to win even if I lose.
We have to learn to love our spouses in the
same unconditional way. You have to want your spouse to succeed beyond your own
successes. You have to want their happiness above your own happiness. This is not
a strange concept when we talk about the love we have for our children, but it
may be very strange when you are thinking about your spouse. We want our spouse
to provide the things we provide our children.
We want to be the child.
We want the other person to provide the
unconditional love. To do things for us, to take care of us, to treat us with
respect. We deserve it. We demand it. If our spouse will not provide it we look
to escape the relationship. We say the relationship was not fulfilling, the
other person did not understand our needs. Or worst we say the other person did
not care about my needs. I have many single friends that are looking for a
mother when they think they are looking for a partner. They will never be happy
and will always be my single friends. When they try to read this series
they will reject it, not because they don't believe what I have written but
because they it strikes too close to the truth. I am not saying that you have to
always be the parent in your relationship, just that you should love your spouse
as you love your children. If you can take these words into your own heart then
feel free to pass it on to your spouse. Don't pass it on to quickly, you have to
accept your parental responsibilities before you ask your spouse to take on the
role of parent in your relationship. This role should flow back and forth
between you. You can help your spouse to become the parent in the same way you
help your children to become adults, and then to become parents in there own
right.
Training your spouse to take on the
parent role.
You may be forced to use the same techniques
that you use in training your children. Try to communicate your desires to your
spouse. Talk about how you feel. Do it in as non-threatening a way as possible. Let
them understand what you want to have happen. If you want your spouse to
accompany you to a family gathering. Talk about how much family means to you.
Talk honestly about why it is important to you. If you are not getting through
and many times you will not. Stop , don't push it. If I want to change the
behaviour of my children, I explain what it is I would like them to do and why.
If it doesn't work I stop and try to ensure I know what I really want. Do not
start your explanation with the statement, "This is important to me." It may
work but it gets old really fast. My children grew very tired of the phase,
"Please do what I say. This is important to me." Your spouse will grow tired of
it at least as quickly, if not quicker. Think why it is important to you and if
it really is. One of the major mistakes I made with my children is stating that
I cared about something I really didn't . I would tell my son, " I don't want
you to watch TV." He would say, "Can you play with me." I would answer, "No, I
have work to do." He would ask, "Can someone come over?" I would respond, "No, I
really have to get this done and I can not work with your friends over." He
would ask, "Can I go over someone else's house?" I would respond, "No, I have to
finish this, wait twenty minutes and then we can do something." He would ask,
"What can I do while I wait?" I of course wanted to say. "Why don't you watch TV
for twenty minutes and then we can go out for a ride." Of course I couldn't say
that now, so I would respond, "You can keep yourself amused for twenty minutes,
just go find something to do." I could see the hurt in his eyes, but I had made
a stand and I believe you have to be consistent.
Decide what you want and what you really
need.
Tell a story, share an experience, give your
spouse every opportunity to understand what it is you really want. Communicate,
get them to understand you. Use positive reinforcement whenever possible. When
they start to get it, drive the point home with comments like, "Yes, you
understand how important it is to me now." You have to understand what you want
and more importantly what they will hear you say. I listen to other people argue
and have discovered that they are often not arguing about the same thing. A
simple example of this would be, I tell my wife that I need to work late. She
responds that I should take more time off. I hear that she is unhappy about me
working late. I could get defensive and explain how important my work is.
(Except she knows what I do for a living so she would never buy it.) Normally I
ask her what does she mean? She could respond in a number of ways telling me
that I should take some vacation time, or take off this weekend, or that I
should not be working so much. Sometimes she does say exactly what she means.
The important thing is to listen to what the other person heard you say. It is
very often not what you said, but what they heard.
Get them on your side.
You can never compliment someone too much.
You can lie too much, so try not to lie when you compliment. Never say, "I like
your hair." if you don't like her hair. OK if she asks you, "Do you like my
hair." you might have to lie, but don't bring up how much you like her hair if
you really do not like it. I learned some important lessons as my son got older.
I wanted my wife to agree to send our son to class to learn German. I didn't
know if she wouldl agree but it is very important to me.
 Scenario One:
I tell my wife I want Matthew to attend
German class.
Pretty straight forward, but she could
respond in a number of ways and I already said this is very important to me. I
do not want her to disagree with me, I want Matthew to attend German class. I
would not even try this approach, it has failed me too many times in the past.
Scenario Two:
I ask my wife what she thinks about Matthew
attending German Class.
This approach is better than Scenario One but
I really don't want to discuss this I want Matthew to attend a German class.
What if she tells me, "I think it's a pretty dumb idea." There is not much room
to maneuver after a response like that. Even if the response was not delivered
with much conviction.
Scenario Three:
I tell my wife how I always wished I had
studied German when I was young. That it is proven that young children learn
languages better. I talk about how my Dad spoke German and how I think it is
important to understand your heritage.
At each step I
listen
to what she is saying, to better understand if I need to explain why this is
important to me. I also
listen to see when I should shut up. When your
spouse's position matches your own position it is time to recognize that you have
won, and then shut up. In scenario one and two my wife might have responded that
Matthew should learn Spanish and I would have to start explaining why German is
the language I prefer. I have already decided that I want him to learn German so
I don't what to discuss alternatives. I know what I want, and I need to ensure
she hears what I am really saying. I need to do this in a way that is not
confrontational and helps her understand my desires.
In another example your spouse reads a
magazine article about how to raise a daughter.
You completely disagree with the author.
Scenario One:
You say, "The guy is a moron!"
I'd like to say you would never try this, but
I have and I should have known better.
You can guess the results, My wife disagrees
and also thinks I just called her a moron. My advice is skip scenario one.
Scenario Two:
You say, "What did you like and dislike about
the article?" Then you listen. Maybe the guy was not a moron. There could have
been some interesting information that you blocked out because some of what he
wrote was pretty moronic. It is important to listen as if you might really
believe what the other person is saying.
Listen as if you don't have an opinion
yet.
This is a lot harder than it may sound. I
firmly believe that you have to work very hard at not thinking of how you are
going to respond while the other person is talking. If you fall into that trap,
you often do not hear what the other person is really trying to say. We learn
what the other person is probably going to say, so we often do not really hear
what they are really saying. It is very hard to unlearn this. Ninety percent of
the time I know how my wife is going to respond before I tell her something. I
almost always know what she is going to say. I can finish her sentences for her.
This can really piss her off. If you finish someone's story for them they don't
think, " I love that you know me so well." They think, "Hey, that was my story.
Knock it off." If you ever get it wrong saying something like, "I know you want
the blue one." and your spouse says, "No, I like the red one, Why in the world
would you think I would like the blue one." Do not argue just admit that you
were wrong and shut up and start listening again.
You should also say things to yourself before
you say them out loud. If it sounds kind of stupid to you, don't say it. Another
thing I like to do is reward myself for not saying stupid things out loud. I say
to myself, "Boy am I glad I did not say that out loud." You can come across as
a very smart person if you do not say stupid things. Whenever you don't say
something stupid remind yourself how smart you sounded by not saying something
dumb out loud. You probably already reward yourself when you say something
smart, "Man, that sounded really good. I sounded like I really knew what
the heck I was talking about." Do the same thing when you don't say something dumb.
With that in mind let's take a look at scenario three.
Scenario Three:
You say, "I have always thought that you are
the best parent I know." (Remember you can never give out too many complements)
"What intrigued you about this article?" Then listen.
This allows you to discover what interested
your spouse and gives you room to maneuver with the conversation. Maybe it was
the author's style and not the content. Maybe it was that the article flew in
the face of your spouse's preconceived ideas. Maybe, just maybe your spouse
believes that the author is correct. OK in this case that could not be it, but
you never really know.
The time I tried Scenario One (which was as
you remember, to call the author a moron) the author had written that boys
should only play with non-traditional toys such as dolls, tea sets, and such. It is OK to let a girl play with trucks, and cars but not boys. It sounded
moronic to me, so I said so. My wife heard me tell her that she was a moron. I
of course never even meant to infer that she was a moron, but that is what she
heard. We ended up talking about everything except if the author was right. We
talked about why the author could be right. How you could ever measure the
experiment.
What could go wrong, and my favourite
measurement of child rearing, "Will this little experiment end up with the child
in a clock tower with a high powered rifle screaming, "That's right Dad, I loved
my doll." Now I don't really believe that if you force your child to play with
non-traditional toys that they will end up on a clock tower. I believe your son
may end up like one of our friends son's, who just rip the head off the
Barbie doll and use her decapitated
body as a gun. Running around the house pointing her at things saying "Bang,
your dead." This by the way, is not a good way to impress your friends with your
parenting skills. I know, it has never impressed me. I have even said, "Don't
worry I think it is kind of cute." Only because I did not have the guts to say
could you please buy the poor kid some war toys. It makes me nervous to see your
child running around with a headless body shooting at my children.
Sometimes you have to just say what you think
in the most non-confrontational way you can, and hope for the best. "I don't
think I agree with this article." I wouldn't use the statements I made above
until you get at least some agreement with your position. They may be good for a
laugh and might even be accurate but they don't really help open up a dialog
with your spouse.
Lets explore the idea of
listening
some more. Please listen to what you are going to say before you say it, it
really helps in a number of ways. First, it stops you from saying dumb stuff and
that, as I have already written, is a very good thing. Second, it stops you from
talking so much, and this is also almost always a good thing. Third, it helps
you decide what it is you really want to say. How many times has someone asked
you, "What was I saying?" I am always tempted to say "Heck if you were not
paying attention to what you were saying, why do you expect me to?" I have never
said it because I follow rule one. It is not uncommon to lose track of
the point you are trying to make. If you do though, I can guarantee that you
were not going to make your point.
Listen to your thoughts.
I have taken business classes on the proper
use of voice-mail. One of the more important lessons is think of what you are
going to say before you leave a message. If it is an important message write it
down before you leave the message. If you have voice-mail you have gotten that
very long roundabout message that you finally end up deleting before listening to
the end. You call the other person back and say, "What the heck were you trying
to tell me in that crazy voice-mail you sent me." I often think the same thing
happens in person. Since I really do try to
listen to what people say I am
often livid that they don't seem to be listening to what they are saying. They
start a story, it takes a strange turn, then another and then another until they
end it by saying, "I am sorry I've lost my train of thought." Of course they
jump back on that train with a, "O-that's right, as I was saying..." We are then taken on another
twisting turning train ride through the land of I don't know what the heck I am
talking about.
Think of what you want to say and the most
powerful way to say it. If while you are telling your story you think of another
story finish the first one. You can always tell the next one after you have
listened to it in your own mind first. If
someone interrupts your story it is most likely because you have hopped on that
train to I don't know what the heck I am talking.
Never interrupt, and when you do
bring the other person back into the conversation.
One of the first rules we teach our children
is not to interrupt. It is a rule we should try to follow. It is rude to
interrupt. The other person can feel as if we are saying, "Could you please shut
up. I am tired of listening to you. What I have to say is much more important
than anything you could possibly be saying and by the way I was not listening to
you any way's." Now it is not always possible to not interrupt, very few people
would appreciate if you said, "I didn't want to interrupt you, but you missed
the turn off to the airport, it was about five miles back." If you have to
interrupt, try to bring the conversation back around. The most thoughtful
way is to say, "I am sorry, before I stopped you, you were telling me about how
you don't let your son play with war toys."
This acknowledges that you were listening
and that you were interested. Now sometimes you have to interrupt because the
other person can not take silence and will not shut up unless you are talking.
There is not much you can do about this except get the other person to relax or
spend as little time with that person as possible.
We all love our kids. We want the best for
them but it is hard to understand what is best for them. It is hard to
understand when they need to learn the hard lessons for themselves. I am a
very hard task master for my children but I also spoil them. I want to protect
them, but I want them to be independent. I question every big decision I have
ever made regarding my kids. Should I let them cry themselves to sleep? Should I
stand below them as they climb the monkey bars? Should I spank them? I decided
not to spank my children. Now I am not saying you should not spank your
kids, heck there is times in the grocery store that I want to spank your kids. I
am just saying that I decided not to spank my kids. My son was less than two
years old and had climbed up on the kitchen table. He fell off and landed on his
bottom. He immediately climbed back up on the table. I decided that I could not
strike him any harder then he had just hit the floor, at least and not go to
jail for child abuse. If he could take a whack like that and climb right back up
on that table, no amount of corporal punishment was ever going to change his
behaviour.
This idea was later reinforced by a TV
magazine show that highlighted couples that disciplined their children by
spanking. One poor young couple explained that if they didn't spank their
children they would never change their behaviour. They were spanking their
children at least fourteen times a day. My children are very bright but even
they couldn't come up with fourteen new behaviours every day. Spanking just
wasn't working and as parents we need to find ways to improve our children. I
don't want to spank your kids in the grocery store because I want your kids to
improve. I want to spank them because it would make me feel better.
Discipline is important.
My children would never let you believe
that I don't discipline them. My son paid me the best complement I could ever get. We
were at a very nice restaurant and a small child, about his age was banging his
silverware together. He looked at me and asked "Why doesn't his papa tell him to
stop that. His papa is not being a very good dad." My son understood at the age
of five that a father should discipline his children. He knew it was the father's
responsibility to teach the child to behave well. He didn't say "That boy is
being bad." He knew that little boys don't always do what they are suppose to
do, but that a father should do his job.
Children want discipline, they like order in
their life. They want rules. They also want the rules to be fair and consistent.
The first thing to remember is don't overwhelm your children with rules.
Let them do things that might bother you but are not wrong, let them laugh and
dance. Let them ask you "Why" over and over and over again. Don't bombard them
with; "Sit up straight, don't put your elbows on the table, don't interrupt,
don't give me that look." They will give up and sulk, O-yes "don't sulk." Figure
out the behaviour you want to influence and work on that. Before you act, decide
what you are willing to do if the child doesn't respond. If you are not willing
to do anything about it, don't ask the child to do anything.
Be prepared to escalate.
Act quickly. The worst mistake, I see over
and over, is setting a time limit on something you want to happen now. "I'll
give you five minutes to stop that." " I am going to count to ten." If you say
those words it is a mistake. You should say to yourself "I made a
mistake." then say out loud "Do it now." If you tell your children or spouse
"I'll give you five minutes to stop that." does that mean you want them to do it
for four more minutes? The answer to a child and some adults is
absolutely. You want me to do this for four more minutes. " I'll give you to the
count of ten to come here." is much more confusing than, "Please come here." It
confuses me, I want to stop the parents that do this in the mall and ask why do
you want them to watch you count to ten. It is a fun game the child gets a
lesson in math and gets to dance around for 10 seconds. The counting slows down
as the parent gets closer to ten, the child's eyes widen and they dance closer. Then
the parent makes mistake number two. "I am not kidding, don't make me count to
ten again." On the count of one the child dances far away and the whole thing
starts over again. The counting slows down as they get to ten again until
finally they say the magic words. "Come here NOW!" The child stops dancing and
walks over puts their little hand in their parents hand and is happy as can be,
until the parent looks down and says "Why don't you come when I tell you to?" I
want to stop the parent and say, "She came when you called her. Your child is
very well behaved." The only problem is they would think I was nuts.
I don't mean surprise your child. Don't
turn to them in the middle of their favourite TV show and say. "Lets go." I live
in the suburbs so I am always dropping my kids off or picking them up. A common
mistake is walking in and saying "Lets go." Your kids find you boring, I know
this because my children tell me all the time. So they don't want to go with
you. Don't surprise your kids. Tell them when you are going to pick them
up, then pick them up on time. If you are going to be late, call. When you pick
them up tell them, "Did you help clean up yet? " Then say, " I am going to visit
for awhile so you have five minutes more to play." This is not the same as
saying I am going to count to ten. You want them to play for five more minutes.
You don't really want them to watch you count to ten. In three minutes say,
"Honey you have two more minutes." At the end of the five minutes say, " Lets
go." If your child acts badly at any stage before this say, "I'm sorry I thought
that I could let you stay a little longer but I see you can't so lets go." Never
go back on a threat! If the child says I'm sorry I'll be good you can't say
alright we can stay. You said it., you have to do it. If I say "Lets go.", we
go. When my child says, "You said I could play for five more minutes." I have a
hard time not smiling. It shows that he understood the deal. So when I tell him,
"I'm sorry I would have let you play for five more minutes but you gave me a
hard time, so now, we have to go." I also use it next time I drop him off.
"You remember that last time I picked you up you lost five minutes because you
gave me a hard time. That will not happen today. Right?"
In this series I'll be talking about how you need to love your spouse like you
love your kids. You also need to treat your kids like you would treat your
spouse. I would never think of telling my wife out of the blue. "Lets go." All
surprises need to be something good. I really think you need to treat your
children as if they are well respected strangers from another country visiting
your house. Your spouse should understand you and forgive you for being rude. You
might be able to get away with, "Honey lets go." with your spouse but you can't
with strangers or your kids. Your kids don't understand our customs yet. They
think you go to the Zoo because you really like the Zoo. I am often told by my
son that he "didn't have a good day." This most often happens when I made him a
special breakfast, played video games, took him to a movie, went to the Zoo,
bought him ice cream and let him stay up late to watch a show that he wanted to
see. I'll tuck him into bed and he will say, "I didn't have a very good day
today." I thing he does it because he likes the color my face turns. Really , I
know that he is right he is from the strange land called childhood and in that
land parents don't understand what is a good day. Children sometimes give us a
quick look into this strange land. I like to think that they sometimes show us
slides from the place, glimpses into their world but we will never feel at home
there again.
I took my family on a trip to San Antonio
just before Christmas one year. We were on the river tour. The tour guide
pointed out all the interesting points along the river. I am not so far removed
from the land of childhood that I believed this would be a great activity for my
five year old son, but I was surprised that half way through the tour the guide
pointed out the biggest iron bridge in San Antonio. It was not a very big bridge
nor was it a even a very good looking bridge, but my son responded to this
statement with a "Wow." The funny thing is everyone laughed, in the land of
childhood this was something very cool. To the rest of us it was cool to know
that it was cool to him. I will always love that bridge. On that same trip I
spent most of one day showing my son everything I could to make the day a "Very
good day." We played video games walked along the river in whatever direction that he
wanted to. We bought a Christmas present that he got picked out for his Mom. When
we had to wait for them to wrap the present we stopped and bought candy. When my
wife tucked him into bed he looked up and said to her, " I had a very good day. We
bought candy!" I got to see into his land, and I remembered living there. It was
cool.
The Zoo is my favourite place to watch
parents miss the point that their kids are strangers from a strange land.
Fathers are the worst. "Son, that is a polar bear, it's range is North America.
See it swim. Ok lets go." "Son get away from the water fountain and come here. This
is a monkey. Son that is just a squirrel come over here." Then he turns to his
wife and says, " Honey, I didn't bring him to the zoo so he could look at
squirrels." It makes me want to ask," Why did you bring him to the zoo?" I have
spent my best days at the zoo watching my children look at butterflies and playing
with the water fountain. I never go to the zoo alone, I go to see the animals
through the eyes of my children. I don't want to teach my children, I want them
to learn. If he learns that water falls in drops and not in a steady stream from
watching the fountain, I am happy. If
he learns that we can not hold butterflies because they are delicate. I am
happier than if he knows the Latin name for polar bear is Ursus maritimus,
When my son said to a friend of mine, "Lets capture butterflies, but not put
them in a jar because they are delicate." I am sure I confused my friend when I
told him, "He learned that at the Zoo."
I don't know what love is. I wish I did I
would sell a lot more books. I fell in love with my wife the first time I saw
her. I looked down from my front porch and said to myself, that is the one. I
was 16 she was 13. We dated until she turned 17 then I begged her to marry me.
We have been married for over twenty five years.
She didn't want to get married. It would have
been fine with her if we stopped seeing each other the weekend that she finally
accepted. I was in the Army and home for the weekend she wanted to go on a trip
with her family. I asked her to marry me and she said no. I had asked her
hundreds of times before and she would always say "We can live together, but I am
not getting married." This weekend her answer was I don't want to marry you and I don't
like that you expect me to miss this trip with my family. You can drive back to
Kentucky and forget about coming back up here to see me. By the way I'm tired of
paying for all the phone calls so don't call me." She left for her trip and
I was
suppose to leave upstate New York for the base on Sunday. The day she was to
return. If I would have left it would have been very hard to repair the damage.
Luckily I got into a car accident that totally wrecked my car. I called back to
base and got them to let me stick around until Monday.
That Sunday night I talked her into
marrying me. I told her the Army would not let me live off base with my
girlfriend and that they would pay me a housing allowance if I was married. She
tells me to this day that she married me for my money. I got an extra $100 a month because I
was married. My take home pay worked out to be something like $310 a month.
I was unbelievably happy from the very first
day. She was not. She did not want to get married because she never saw a really
good marriage. I convinced her to marry me by telling her she good divorce me
whenever she wanted to. She did not want to be a wife. She tried hard at being
one, but she didn't like it. I wasn't looking for a wife, so it didn't matter to
me if she was a good one. It did to her. She hates to fail, and almost never
does, so it bothered her. She tried to fly back home so many times I knew the
airline number by heart. I called and canceled her flight so much they knew my
first name and I doubt they ever really booked her on the flight after the first
fifteen times I canceled it.
What did I do wrong. I did just about
everything wrong. They only thing I did right was I loved her with all my heart.
It was enough. She hates to fight and never argues. I loved to fight and will
argue with anyone just to pass the time. I love to talk she had a terrible time
trying to express her feelings. When we dated I was always the one to start the
fight and I was always the one to apologize. She loved me so she stood by me but
I hurt her. I was verbaly vicious, my words would hurt her deeper than any
physical blow could have ever hurt her. Her reaction to my words hurt me deeper
than anything she could have said to me. Here we were two people that deeply
loved each other and it was so painful I wasn't sure we would survive it. One
day we had a terrible fight about why I didn't like the dinner she prepared. She
said to me, "My friend makes dinner every night for her husband and he eats it."
I said, "He eats what he doesn't like, then he is a moron." She told me, "You
never tell me what you want for dinner, and when I make something you won't eat
it." I responded. " I don't like it." The next thing she said changed our
marriage forever, "How can I ever be a good wife if you won't let me."
We sometimes get blamed for things that
we can't control.
I was shocked, I thought she was a great
wife. Why did she want me to help her become someone I didn't want her to
be and more importantly she did not want to be? She thought that I cared if
dinner was on the table when I got home. She thought that I checked if she made
the bed or vacuumed the rugs. She spent the first six months of our marriage
playing a role. No wonder she wanted to leave. We talked and for the first time
she talked with me. I told I couldn't tell her what I wanted for dinner in the
morning because it was the morning. She told me it was important to know these
things so she could be a good wife. I asked her, who made these rules. When we
both though about it we decided that things that didn't matter to me or matter to her,
did not matter.
Things that do not matter to either of
you don't matter.
We had the happiest three months of marriage
any couple could ever have. Then the Army decided that I was needed, to stop the
great red tide of communism from overflowing the plains of Europe so I was given
orders to report to Germany. My wife decided this would be the perfect time to
get her degree. I when to Europe and she went home to New York for college. I
was suppose to spend two years in Germany alone. It took the U.S. Army and the
U.S. postal service about three weeks to get a letter to make the round trip
from Rochester New York to Bad Windsheim Germany. I would ask a question such as
"Is the insurance on the car due?" She would ask a question like are you going
to be able to come home for Christmas. Five days later I would write " I love
you and miss you, what about the insurance?" Ten days later I would write " I am
really concerned about the insurance, I love you and miss you." Fifteen days
later I would write " Are you getting any of my damn mail, What about the
insurance." Eighteen days later I would write, "Are you mad at me? How come you
don't answer any of the questions I send you . Are you seeing someone. I can't
believe you won't tell me about the damn insurance." Twenty days later I would
write, " I am so pissed about this insurance I can't believe it. If you don't
start responding to my letters I don't know how we can keep this marriage
working. Maybe it would be better if you just tossed your ring in the trash and
started to date again. You can start with the insurance guy." Twenty one days
later I would get a letter saying " I love you and miss you. By the way the
insurance is paid off for the rest of the year. Write soon." I am not
complaining about the Army Post Office (APO), Ok I am a little, but this story
has an important message. Communicate. Whenever I miss a message my wife tried
to send me she admonishes me by saying, "Did I send that via an APO?" It is her
code for I sent it, you missed it.
Any delay in communications will
hurt the process. The longer the delay the more it will hurt.
I'll schedule a meeting out of town on the
night of an important children's concert and my wife will say, "I told you about
this weeks ago, did I send it via an APO?" I will normally respond I guess you
did because I don't think I got it.
We didn't get divorced, as you can tell, over
the insurance letters. I did the smart thing and made a phone call. I told her
to please tear up all of the letters that came until she got one that had written on
the back of it, "Please Read." She promises me she did, I believe her because,
as I said we are still married. The next letter I wrote I told her that I loved
her and that since I could not afford to call her everyday. I needed to be with
her. I needed her to quit school and move to Europe. It was a long lovely letter
that basically said give up your life and become an Army camp follower. Five
days later I wrote, I really meant everything I wrote in my last letter. Ten
days later I wrote, " I am really concerned that you have not responded to my
letter about coming over to live with me. Fifteen days later I wrote, " Are you
getting my letters?" Eighteen days later I wrote, " I am so mad that you are not
responding, to my request to move here. I love you, but I can't live here
without you. Twenty days later I wrote. "I am pissed and have taken your silence
as a no. I'll be working with the base lawyer to draw up the divorce papers."
Twenty one days later I called and said, "Please don't read any mail until you
see the message " I am very sorry, OK to read." I think she read them all, and
decided that even though she didn't want to be a camp follower she could never
get by with getting mail that she was allowed to read only every twenty one
days. I, of course, got only wonderful mail from her and it arrived everyday.
My wife quit college and made plans to travel
to Europe to be with her husband. This was in the late seventies so the Army was
not the glamorous life that it is now. Her college friends told her it was a
mistake, her parents told her it was a mistake, I think even my parents told her
it was a mistake. She kept getting news clippings of the poor soldiers in Europe
that couldn't afford to put bread on the table. That drug use in the Army was at
an all time high and that most soldiers could not read or write. This was all
promoted in the post Vietnam liberal press and was of course completely
accurate. She still decided to come to Europe, not because it was going to be a
good time but because she loved me.
You sometimes have to give up on
something you really want to make the relationship to work.
When the letter arrived that she was going to
come, post-marked twenty one days after the first letter I had sent, I had
less than a month to extend my tour and find a place for us to live. The Army
made every unmarried soldier, and any married soldier that did not bring their
spouse with them serve two years in Europe. It was called a hardship tour. I
agreed with the name. If you brought your spouse it was a normal tour and you
had to serve three years. I mailed this bit of information via an APO twelve
days before my wife was scheduled to arrive. She arrived on New Years Eve. She
was tired, scared, and not sure that she had made the right decision.
I spoke almost no German. I could ask for
french fries and a large beer. I could ask for directions to the train station,
but since if you ask for directions to the train station in German, people have a
tendency to give you directions in German. So at the time I did not understand
why the Army taught me how to ask in German. I spent most of the night before I picked up my wife
drinking beer, eating french fries and heading south from Ansbach Germany to
Frankfort. I was told when I got off the train in Munich that Frankfort was
north of Ansbach but since I was a dumb American soldier who probably could not
read English, certainly couldn't afford another ticket and probably was under
the influence of drugs that the German Railway system would provide me
transportation north. I thanked the German Railway system, the liberal press,
and waited in a train station all night until the trains started running. I had
given myself plenty of time and planned on staying in the hotel at the Frankfort
Airbase. I amused myself by standing outside the train station and asking people
" Wo is der Bahnhof?" or where is the train station in German. They would look
puzzled and point to the train station.
The key to good communication is to only
ask questions that you might understand the answers to.
I stopped asking for directions when I
discovered that the Munich train station was a favorite hang out for the gay
community and they assumed that if you showed up seven hours before any trains
were scheduled to leave the station that you were not there to ride the train.
I got to the airport just three minutes
before my wife stepped off the plane. She was very tired, and I was very tired. We
picked up her bags and I took her to the train station. She looked at the train
schedule and asked how we were suppose to know which train to take? I told her
is was easier than it looked as long as you remember what the German words for
"TO" and "FROM" were.
Things that you have to earn are worth
more, than things that you don't.
I now knew how to get french fries, a beer,
how to get to the train station, you just point as you say "Vo is the
Bahnhof." and how to read a German train schedule.
We rode the train south and as we got
deeper and deeper into our new life together she got more and more apprehensive
about it. Everything was strange, the signs, the people talking around us. I
knew she was getting more and more nervous which was making me more and more
nervous. I had picked out our apartment after looking at the housing on base,
and some American style apartments near the base. The place I picked out was
owned by a little old German landlady who made me call her Oma which means
grandmother in German. The house was build in 1721. It had a bathroom down the
hall with a wood water heater that Oma would start for us after I almost burned
the place down by using lighter fluid to start it the first time. It had one
diesel heater in the living room, no heat in the dinning room, and no heat in
the bedroom. I fell in love with the place the minute I saw it. It was in a
beautiful resort town away from the Army Base. The apartment was older than
America and it was a very cheap train ride from the base.
My wife hated it. She did not cry, but when
she walked into this very little, old apartment she thought, "The news articles
were right. We are going to starve." I think when I told her that the bathroom
was down the hall she wanted to cry but she was too tired. She lay down in the
bed and fell asleep. It was New Years Eve and at about 11:55 pm I was awaken to
the Germans blowing off fireworks and bottle rockets. They would shoot up into
the air and skittle off the wood shingle roofs. I called her to the window and
she said, "Tom, I am too tired to see anything, if the place starts on fire
please carry me out. We will talk about this tomorrow."
Passion does not make up for
communications.
Oma and I finally won her over. Me by saying,
"We can move to anyplace you want. You pick it out and I'll move there." Oma by
adopting us. We were young and dumb and needed someone who would look out for
us. Oma did. She taught my wife how to cook German food. Invited her to play her
baby grand piano. I think the piano really clinched it for us. My wife would
spend just about every morning visiting with Oma who spoke very little English
and, of course, my wife spoke no German, they got along wonderfully.
Communications is much more than the
words we speak.
My wife and Oma would spend lots of time
together. My wife would pick up important words from clues that Oma would give
her. Oma would point to things or give a special look. Oma taught her to cook
German food in German and some broken English. When people tell me, " It is like
we speak a different language." I respond, "That can be a very difficult
problem, but it doesn't mean you can't communicate." I learned to find the train
station by pointing and asking. If I wasn't right in front of it I would walk in
the direction they pointed and then ask someone else. My wife learned how to
cook because it was something she and Oma could do together. It was harder but
it was worth it. It might even have been better because it was harder. My wife spoke
better German than I did at the end. She knew how to get what she wanted even
when she didn't know how to ask for it. She was fearless she travelled Europe
alone by train. She knows that poor language skills doesn't have to mean poor
communications skills.
Dating is hard. We want to be as close to the
other person without being to close. We want them to like us. So we lie. We all
do it. It might be as small as not scratching when we itch, or not eating the as
big a piece of pie as we would like. I have seen people turn down the second
Oreo cookie saying, " Oh, I couldn't, I am stuffed." then finish the bag off at
home. It is also a lot of work, lying always is. You probably are not going to
fall in love at first sight. Dating would be easier, if we all did. Even if you
do, the other person might not. My wife broke up with me before she knew she was
going out with me. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. She was there
with a friend who secretly liked me. The friend convinced her to walk pass my
house in hopes they would see me. I saw my wife but didn't even notice the girl
who liked me. My wife kept trying to steer me over to her but I would have none of
it, and I convinced her to meet me later. We saw each other as often as I could
convince her to meet me. We went for long walks, rolled around in the grass,
kissed, and I talked anyways I thought we talked but later I realized that I talked and
she listened. This all happened over a weekend. I started a my first real job on
the next Monday and worked eighty two hours the first week. She broke up with me
and started to date someone else.
Every message you send will be received
even if you didn't mean to send it.
My wife thought that I did not want to date
her anymore because I spent every waking moment with her and then did not even
call her for a week. I was heart broken and confused. I saw her and her new
boyfriend walking down the street holding hands and it crushed me. First I
thought, "Boy, this girl is fickle." then I decided that although this was a
problem I was going to get this girl back. I stopped the car walked over to them
and reintroduced myself. I told them that I had been working from opening to
close everyday at my new job and would love to get together with them sometime
since I now had some time off. I sent a new message. The guy, who I barely knew,
invited me over to his house. I think he did it because my future wife said
something like, "It would be nice if we could all get together." If he
knew I was referring to Cheryl as my future wife even back then I doubt he would
have invited me into his house. We all got together, he taught me how to play a
cord or two on his guitar and I taught him never to invite another guy into your
house with your girlfriend. Cheryl and I were dating again in about a week.
Even the dumbest mistakes can be
corrected.
Cheryl fell in love with me over time but she
did not enjoy it. She had seen a lot of marriages fail and saw some others that she
thought should fail. She was very young but mature enough to understand that she
was very young. She did not want to be in love. I talked to her and about her
all the time. She knew that I was in love with her. My friends knew I was in
love with her. She got swept up in the tidal wave of emotions. My family, my
friends, her friends would all tell her, "That guy really loves you." She did
not communicate well, she could never tell me why it scared her to fall in love.
This only made me try harder. I talked more, I explained, I did things to show
how much I loved her, I did everything except listen.
Sometimes listening is the best way to
say something.
She was very bad at talking and I was very
bad at listening. That works out OK when you are first dating but you can't
build a relationship on it. I talked about us getting married. I asked her to
marry me as soon as she finished High School when she still had three years of
high school to go. I asked her to marry me at least a thousand times. She always
said No. She never said maybe, or someday, she always said No. I certainly heard
that word but I never listened to why. I knew that she loved me. I knew that she
did not like marriage but I could never understand why she didn't want to marry
me. I was also confused why she didn't at least say maybe or someday. I later
figured out that she knew that if she said anything except No it was really a
Yes.
Know what the words you are going to say
really mean before you say them.
She knew that I would take any answer that
wasn't a firm No as a Yes. My wife is actually a very good communicator, in the
past she just had a hard time using words to do it. She did not like to argue
and I loved to argue. She first trained me not to argue with her, and then
trained me not to argue even in front of her. She did this by being unhappy. It
took me quite awhile to catch on. At first I thought I was just very persuasive.
I would start to argue my point and she would become quiet. I would continue on,
reinforcing the key points I was making and then would decide that even though
she never agreed with me, I made my points so powerfully that she must now
completely agree with my position. She of course did not agree and had stopped
listening to me ages before. When I finally stopped droning on and waited for
her to reply she would realize I had stopped talking and look up at me and say,
" Ok Tom, I understand." We would continue to drive around and I would ask, "Do
you want to go to a movie?" She would respond, "No, not really." "Do you want to
go to the park?" "No, not really." "Do you want to go park?" "No." "Do you want
me to take you home." "Why don't you do that." I would get mad and drop her off,
if it was early I would drive home and then call her to apologize. I apologized
a lot. I apologized for stuff that I was sure I was right on. I apologized for
things I was sure I was wrong on. I apologized for things that I did not
remember doing. I apologized when ever, and for what ever, made her unhappy. I
always meant it. I never faked an apology. I was truly sorry that she was
unhappy. I loved her, how could I not be sorry if she was unhappy.
When in doubt?
Apologize.
This goes back to the idea of parental love
(unconditional love). If your child does something that is not right, you
console or explain what it is they did, that wasn't what you wanted. It almost
always makes them sad, which almost always makes you sad. I apologize to my
children all the time. I say, "I am sorry that you feel bad about having to go
to bed now. I wish you could stay up to. I like playing computer games with you
but it is time for bed. I love you. See you in the morning." When apologizing to
my wife I would say, "I'm sorry I did not want to go over to your friends house.
I know how much you like to spend time with her, but I don't like the way she
talks to you. You know that I love you. See you tomorrow." This makes the other
person understand that you understand their position and that you are truly
sorry. I never lied and told her that I wanted to do something I didn't want do to.
I never told her I was sorry for something I was not sorry about. It does not
help to say, " I am sorry I went out drinking with the guys." and then go out
drinking with the guys again. I apologized all the time, because I was sorry it
happen. My wife never apologized when we were dating, she could not express her
feelings verbally. She would become quiet then lean over and hug me. I could
feel the message. I learned not to argue with her because if I kept talking she
would never lean over to me. She couldn't train herself to speak up but she was
pretty good at training me to shut up.
You don't have to always agree,
but you do
have to always understand.
Sometimes I think my wife's method of
communications is much better than mine. Today, she can get me to want to do
something with just a look across the room. People tell me that it is common for
couples that have been together for more than twenty years to start to read each
others minds. I do not read her mind, but I understand her mind. I have learned
what she likes and what she does not like.
Can you read my mind?
She likes to go to a place. I like to go do
something. I love to go to movies. She loves to go for walks. She likes to get
it done. I like to do it in order. She likes doing lots of things. I like to do
one thing. She likes to be pampered, I like to cook. She likes to save money. I
like her to do things for me. She likes to be happy. I like her to be happy. She
likes it when I am happy. I like to be happy. We like to go together to a ski resort. We
like to get out of a movie and walk together. We like when the grass in the
front and back is done and the trimming is complete. We like to have a nice
family breakfast together on the weekends. She likes to take back things that I
bought my mistake. We like to be happy.
She likes, I like, We like.
I also know what she does not like. She does
not like to argue. She does not like to be too late or too early. She does not
like to be excluded. She does not like to cook. She does not want to stay home.
Of course I know what I like and don't like. I do not like to go out. I do not like to be late. I do not like to fix things
around the house. I do not like to clean.
The first thing you need to do is learn what
you like and do not like. Then you need to learn what your spouse likes and does
not like. You can then decide were the problems are going to come from. It is
also important to understand that you can both change. This change may take
sometime and will probably be painful, but you can and will change. The other
thing is that although you can both change you will not completely change. My
wife knows that I will never like to work around the house. She could buy me all
kinds of tools, and toys and I still will never like to work around the house. I
will work around the house, but I am not at all pleasant to be around when I do.
She has taken to doing a lot of the repairs around our home and if she can't she
will hire someone to do it. We needed our fence painted and she thought to
herself, should she do it, or should she pay someone to do it. It never crossed
her mind that I would do it. That is a very good thing, because I would never do
it. The fence would dry up and blow away before I would even start to think
about doing it.
Do not
try to change things that can not be changed.
I have already told you I love to argue. My
wife changed this, if she didn't we would no longer be married. The marriages
that do not work are the ones that a fundamental change has to occur that can
not occur. They might end in divorce or worst not end in divorce but continue to
be a very bad marriage. My wife was exposed to both of these before we got
married and it frightened her so badly that I am convinced that she may never
have gotten married if I did not love her so deeply and wanted to marry her so
badly. If it wasn't that the US Army did not allow couples to live together I am
sure we would not have gotten married. When I was shipped overseas I would guess
that our relationship would have ended. She needed me to not argue. We do
disagree. We sometimes disagree, a lot but I never argue with her. Never. It
does not work, I have changed for her.
Change what has to be changed.
If I did not change, or if I could not change,
we would not be happy. If you are in a relationship that requires one of you to
make a change that can not be made, Divorce. Do not stay together for the kids.
Do not stay together for financial reasons. Do not stay together period. Nothing
is sadder than a couple getting a divorce, unless it is one staying together
that should be divorced. I have friends that tell me, "My spouse does not respect
me or care for me." That seems like a real problem to me. If you can not change
that, it is time to call it quits. If you need a close intimate relationship, OK
what I mean is if you need sex, and your spouse does not want to have an intimate relationship.
You are probably not going to be able to change that so you are better off divorced. You might not be able to change
this by yourself. You might need help from your friends or family. You might need
to see a counselor, but if you can not change or will not change you are better
off apart.
Other people can help you change what
has to be changed.
Decide what has to change and what you have
to do to change it. It might not be easy to make the change occur. Sometimes you
are wrong on what has to change. The friend that thought that their spouse did
not respect or care for them was wrong. She did respect him and care for him
deeply but she was afraid of him. It made her seem cold. She didn't feel she
could approach him. This is a whole new problem that will require change, but it
is not the thing that needed to change.
Make sure you change the real problem.
Do not work on the symptom, work on the problem.
You must also learn to accept things that you
do not like but that do not need to be changed. Lets go back to an example of
parental love. Your child comes home and decides that he will put himself to bed.
He doesn't want you to tuck him in anymore and does not want you to read him
stories. You believe that reading stories together helps him to learn to read
better. This is a problem, you know what is best for your child. Reading with
your child has been proven to improve their reading skills and test scores. What
to do? You can demand that your child let you tuck him in and that you read
together, but we all know that will not work it the child is determined. As
parents we know what will or at least might work with our children. We might try
many things such as finding out what has changed. My son refused to kiss me when
he was about two and a half years old. I knew that my son would not want to kiss
me anymore when he got older, but two and a half seem pretty young. I was
confused and hurt but I did not make him kiss me. I talked with him, but he was
two and a half so I did not learn much. I talked with my wife, who was still
getting all the kisses she wanted, but she did not known why either. I talked
with the babysitter and then I started to understand. The babysitter had her own
kids and my son loved her son. He would follow him around and do what he did. He
tried to kiss him every morning when they met, but this kid was thirteen years
old. He learned that boys don't kiss. I over came this little problem by telling
him he could no longer kiss me. I could kiss my wife and I could kiss my mom and
I could kiss my dad, but he couldn't kiss me. He of course covers me with kisses
and I will enjoy it as long as I can because I know it will not last forever. I
did not say to him, "If you loved me you would do it."
If you loved me, you would do it.
If your son does not want you to read to him
at night saying, "If you loved me, you would let me read to you." might work
for awhile but will not help you find out why he does not want you to read to him. Maybe the kids in class
told him only babies get read to. Maybe he is too tired to have someone read to
him. Maybe you are pushing him to read to much on his own and it is no longer
fun. Find out what the real problem is then solve that problem. Read together
earlier before bed time. Read to your spouse so he understands that it does not
have anything to do with being a baby. This story probably makes perfect sense to you,
but if it does why do we say, "If you loved me you would do it." The worst thing I ever
heard was a friend tell my wife, "If my husband loved me he would know this
bothered me." I sat back and thought, this poor dumb bastard, he will never
understand the problem because he does not know there is a problem. My mother
once surprised the heck out of me because she stood up one night and said,
"Every night you all get up and leave this table and never once has any of
you asked if they could help with the dishes." She was completely right, it was
terrible but every night she got up and did the dishes. I thought it was her
job. She never asked us to do the dishes. It would have been great if we would
have been thoughtful enough to offer to do the dishes, but we never did. I am
sure that it took her a long time to finally speak up and say something to us. I
am sure she resented it and more importantly resented us for not offering to
help.
Communicate your wants and desires.
All the kids ended up taking turns washing
dishes almost every night after my Mom spoke up. Not because we jumped at the
opportunity to treat my mother with the respect and love that she deserved but
because my Dad thought it would be a good idea if we started to help out around
the house more. My Mom didn't really get what she wanted which was an
acknowledgment of all the work and sacrifice she gave us everyday. We ended up
doing the dishes any way's and my Dad solved the wrong problem. This was in the
sixties Dad's were always solving the wrong problem in the sixties. Mom says,
"No one around here appreciates the work I do to keep this family running
smoothly." Dad would reply, " Kids, I want you to start helping your mother out
around the house, from now on I want you kids to take turns doing the dishes."
Wrong. If you have ever watched four kids do dishes by hand in a big old sink,
dry them and put them away you known this is not a stress relieving operation for
any mother. Glasses break, dirty dishes get dried and put away, dishes get
rewashed under protest because they did not pass the younger brother inspection
test. "This one is not clean, I am not going to dry it. You are going to have to
re-wash it, and this one, and this one, and this one." Mom would sit in the
other room biting her lip as Dad yelled "Knock it off in there, don't make me
get up." I am sure my Mom would have liked us to help around the house and if we
did a good job, even do the dishes, but what she really wanted was to be
appreciated.
Acknowledgment is the first step of
appreciation.
The offer to do the dishes would have meant
more to my mother than just about any other gift we could have given her. It
would have meant that we understood the things she did for us. That we saw what
she did and appreciated what she provided for us. We did not see it, which to
her meant that we did not see her.
If you don't see what I do for you,
maybe you don't see me.
We saw her, there was never a time that we
did not understand how hard she worked to provide a healthy , happy home for us.
Dinner was on the table at 6:00pm every night, the clothes were hung on a line,
even after she got a dryer. She would hang the sheets out because they smelled
and felt better. She would dry the towels in the dryer because they were softer
that way. She always did everything the best way it could be done, and I never
knew she resented it until my Dad made us do the dishes. I also understood why
she resented it, because doing the dishes sucks. The job that you really can not
get any satisfaction from except that it is over, almost always sucks. Women
understand this better than men I suppose it is because they get stuck doing
most of the jobs that suck. Women see that something has to be done and then
they do it. Men see something has to be done and they first try to ignore it and
then try to get someone else to do it. That is why there are a lot more
companies providing lawn care then that provide maid service. If you want to show
how much you appreciate someone wait until the thought crosses you mind, "I hope they don't ask
me to do that." and then offer to do it.
Offer
to do the dirty job.
My wife's friends get tired of hearing how
great I am, some of them have taken to calling me "Saint Tom." The
only problem is that I am not great, if
my wife wanted to she could fill a book with all the things I do wrong. She
could sit around with her friends and agree with them every time one of them
says why their husband is a bum. "My husband spends all his time on the road."
Cheryl's response, "Mine to." "My husband forgot our anniversary. " "Mine to."
"My husband, doesn't know what a screwdriver is. He is no help around the
house." "Mine to." You understand the point, she could complain just as much as
any other wife probably more than most. What would you do if your spouse forgot
your anniversary? She does not complain because she has learned what she can
change about me and has already changed it. She has learned what she can not
change about me and has accepted it for what it is.
Work together on changing what is
important to change.
She knows that I love her, and I have
never said the words. "You know that I love you." I do tell her that I love her. I tell
her in two ways, I say the words "I love you." leaving off the "You
know" part, but more importantly I treat her like someone I
love. It is important to say the words, never as an apology. "Why are you upset.
You know I love you." It is important to just say the words. " I love you."
I love you.
People like to hear it. Your kids, your
spouse, your parents. Say the words. You also have to show it. It is not enough
to just say the words, you have to show it. I could have shown it to my Mom by
offering to wash the dishes. I hope someday the following will not be true but
right now women seem to equate house work with a display of affection. I do not
know why and I hope that my daughter does not but today, all the women I talk
with think that nothing shows their love like a good clean kitchen floor. They
clean the kitchen floor because they love us. and if we husbands ever cleaned the kitchen floor
it shows we
must really love them. I suppose it has to do with their mother telling
answering their question, "How come you have to wash the kitchen floor, Mom?"
"Honey, because I love my family and I want t keep a clean house for them." I
don't agree with it but I understand it. I don't wash the kitchen floor very
often. I did it once and ended up drying it with my wife's good towels. It
really loses something as an expression of love, when you make that
kind of mistake. I do show my affection in other ways. I walk in from the garage
and notice that both cars need to be washed. I think, "I hope she does not ask me
to wash her car." I use to think I wish Cheryl would go was my car when she
washes hers, but that is really bad so I try not to even think that. I do not
say either of those things. I say, "Your car is really dirty. I think I'll go
wash yours and then go clean mine." Saint Tom. I look at my gas gauge and notice
I need gas. I think, maybe I can take my wife's car. I say, "I need to go
to the store and I noticed you need gas so I'll take your car and fill it up. Saint
Tom. My son starts to drive me nuts and I think, why doesn't Cheryl take care of
him. I say, "Honey, Matthew and I are going to go out for a ride. Why don't you
take a little break." I don't have to worry about what she is thinking I know
what I am thinking. If something bothers me I know it probably bothers her.
Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes she will say. "No let me take Matthew.
We can go get some gas and run the car through the car wash while we are out."
Don't hope for it, remember nobody offered to do the dishes for the first ten years of my
life. But it can work both ways.
I can't read her mind, I am just really
good at reading my own mind.
You have to have trust in any
relationship. You have to trust your kids, your spouse, and your family. If you
lose it you may never get it back. When I was sixteen years old my parents
allowed me to work at a fast food place. I closed the place, which means that I
finished up around one or two in the morning. I bought my own car with the
money. I had complete freedom. I never thought of asking what time I was suppose to
be home and my parents never told me. We would talk about work and money and the
car, but they trusted me. I did not stay out just to stay out. I did not push
the limits. I had friends and siblings that had curfews. They would ask me, "How
come you don't have to be home at a certain time?" My first response was, "I
don't know?" Then I would say, "I guess because I go home, unless I have a good
reason not to." My parents use to comment on how late I was on a certain night,
but it wasn't because they were checking up on me. It was just concern and
conversation. "You got home very late last night." My response was " Yep, I
couldn't get the inventory to even out with the receipts." I never thought my
parents didn't trust me. They asked me and I answered. I knew my parents trusted
me and I never gave them reason to question that trust.
Trust is easy to earn, but very hard to
recover.
My wife learned that she had to trust me. I
thank the Army every time I hear a story about how some guy has to check in with
his wife when he is on the road. I often don't call my wife from the road. I am
running from one airport to the next and don't get into the hotel until well
after she and the kids are asleep. She trusts me and the Army trained her for
marriage well. When she came over to Europe she learned that I could not call
her even if I was going to be gone for a long time. Some of the wives never
understood that, and the military has always had a larger proportion of divorces
than most civilian jobs. I would get a call at three in the morning and turn to
my wife and say, " I will be back in 45 minutes or 45 days." I was not
trying to be smart about it but that was the way it worked. Sometimes we would
go in and just sign our names to show we made it in. Sometimes we would load up
on the back of our vehicles and head out on alert. I would come home in three
weeks and my wife would say, " That was a pretty long trip." I did not hear it
as a criticism and she did not mean it as one. It was just concern and
conversation. This also prepared her to be completely independent. In fact the
Navy has a term for this it is called submarine syndrome.
It comes from husbands going off to sea and leaving the da to day operation of
the household to the wife. The wives become very good at taking care of the
household all by themselves. They pay the bills, take out the trash, get the care
worked on, in short they do everything. The men can find this very disconcerting
when they return home. "Honey, let me look at the checkbook." Not so fast
buster, I take care of the bills around here. One of the effects is that the
husband resents not being in charge and the wife resents having to answer
questions that normally don't get asked. Couples that overcome it, learn
early to set large goals and priorities then let the chips fall where the may.
Set large goals and priorities.
I did the check book when we first got
married. My wife decided that she needed to write most of the checks. She wrote
the checks. I did the check book. Ok, it sounds stupid when you write it down,
but that was the way it worked until I got transferred to Europe. In Europe my
wife got a really bad case of submarine syndrome
and explained to me in no uncertain terms that I was no longer going to do the
check book. We missed a rent payment to Oma and my wife was not going to have to
explain that I took the check book with me to the field. I was also not going to
try and balance the check book. The first reason she gave was I wasn't very good
at it. The second reason was, because she was very good at it and had to write
all the checks any ways. I was succeeding beyond my wildest dreams. I had the
goal from the very first time I decided to marry her that I was going to do
everything I could to make her completely independent of me. I wanted my wife to
be able to leave me.
People you love should be able to leave
you.
I did not want her to leave me. I wanted her
to be able to leave me. This is another way you need to treat your spouse as you
naturally treat your children. The major difference is you really do want your
kids to leave you someday. I understood that if my wife could leave me she would
never feel trapped in our relationship. I have seen too many relationships that
were based on being trapped. "I can't leave him. Where would I go?" "I don't
have the money to divorce my wife." I strongly suspect this is more of a line
than a reason but I'll include it in the series to be fair to the male side of
our race. Most of the time the wife is the one that feels trapped in the
relationship. I knew that I had to do everything I could to ensure that my wife
never felt trapped. The check book was a good first step. I looked at my wife
with the same critical eye I look at my kids. What skills will she need to make
it on her own. We talked about it, we set goals and we worked on reaching them.
This may sound chauvinistic but it was never meant to be. I understood my wife's
skills and knew that she was better than me in most things, just as you can
recognize talent in your children. I also knew that she did not feel that she
could make it without alone. I did not want her to be just part of "us".
I wanted her to be
"her" first and "us" second.
There can not truly be an
"us" without a
"you".
The Army helped more than I understood, the
long times apart forced her to become self reliant. It also got her to really
want to make it on her own. I suspect it was because the Military refers to
every member of your family as a dependent. My wife really liked that. Some
soldier would look passed her and say, " Sergeant, is this your
dependent?" I tried to answer every time it
was asked, "Yes, this is my wife." I figured
she was already mad at someone and I was going to do everything in my power for
it not to be me. The times I just answered , "yes" I still remember clearly. My
wife dropped out of college to join me in Europe and even looked into going to
school over there, but it was never in the plans. The day I signed in to a unit
state side she started college. She worked at nights and weekends to put her
self through school. She never paused and never looked back. She majored in
mathematics in case I was transferred again. She found out that Mathematics
transferred best between schools. She was not the perfect Army wife and I was
glad. She knew what was important and worked to achieve it. I continued to spend
tremendous amounts of time away from her. She continued to grow. My friends did not
like what was happening, they saw her become independent. I loved it. I knew
that she would graduate from collage in about a year and be offered a job that
paid more than the Army paid me. I asked to be transferred to Army Recruiting
because I loved the Army and I thought it would be fun. She had enough credits
to be able to go to another school and transfer back their credits for her
diploma. We picked up and headed to a new place. She still had to make the
sacrifice. She finished school and flew back to graduate. I knew as you know
when you child walks across the stage to get their diploma that your job is done
and theirs is beginning.
Letting go ends our job is done and lets
theirs begin.
My wife had proven that she could live with
out me. That she could take care of herself, and now she was about to prove that
she could out earn me. I was living the old joke. Guy tells his friend, "My wife
makes more money than me." Other guy says, "Doesn't that scare you?" First guy
responds, "Hell yes. She might quit." My wife come back from the graduation and
looked over my enlistment contract, I had nine months left to serve. She put out
about one hundred résumés and started interviewing. I want to work and she went
to California, Texas and Kentucky to interview. We talked about each of them and
she decided that we where going to California. I had never been to California
and did not particularly want to go, in the same way she had never been to
Europe and did not particularly want to go. We went to California. Most people
never get a chance to truly switch societal roles. It is very liberating.
Switching societal roles is very
liberating.
I was a former Army "Grunt" staying
home, cleaning the house, doing dishes, washing laundry. Every morning I would
kiss my wife as she left for work and start on the house work. I needed to wait
a year to become a California resident before I could cheaply attend school. My
wife knew she could leave me, heck she could toss me out and hire a maid. I was
a dependent. I think she even introduced me as her dependent
at work once, I am sure it pleased her. She was in no hurry for me to get back
to work. She told me I had provided for us for 11 years, she could take care of
the next 11. It was more fun for her than it was for me. I needed to tell people
I did something. I started a job four months after we moved to California.
Cheryl made a lot more money than I did and I started working nights. I switched
jobs to work days and then started school full time. I never stopped doing house
work. I knew that my wife was the primary bread winner in the family. If one of
our jobs was going to suffer it was going to be mine. My wife decided it was
time to help me become independent. She looked at me through the eyes of a
parent and decided to help me decide where my skills lay. We decided that
computers made sense for me and we bought a home computer. I had wanted her to
succeed beyond my own success and now she wanted me to succeed beyond hers.
You have to look into the other
persons heart and see what is best for them. That is what I mean when I write about
parental love. My wife meant it when she said she would take care of the next 11
years. It would have pleased her greatly to do it. She also knew it was not what
I needed. I would have stayed in the Army for another 15 years but I knew that
was not what she needed. I look at my son and think it would be great if he
followed in my footsteps but that is not what he needs. You have to look at the
ones you love and get pass what you want and provide what they need, if you can.
Our roles are not defined by society they are defined by us. I look for the
strengths in my family and try to capitalize on them. I look for the weaknesses
in my family and try to minimize them . My wife does the same thing and I hope
to train my son and daughter to also do it. Parental love is unconditional love.
People say the phrase, "I love you unconditionally." but they can not often
explain it. It doesn't mean they do not love unconditionally, it is just that it
is hard to explain. Unconditional dos not mean unquestioning. Most parents have
asked themselves the question why do I love my kids. They can do some pretty
mean and cruel things. The answer may be, I don't know why I love them but I
love them without condition. They don't have to be good for us to love them.
Sometimes they don't have to even be nice for us to love them.
I love you as a parent loves their
child.
We have all seen parents forgive their
children for terrible mistakes, for cruelty, thoughtfulness, greed, and
ignorance. The biblical story of the prodigal son returning home and being
greeted by his farther really does happen. We have limitless patience and
unlimited forgiveness for our children. I am surprised to read reports of
parents turning in their children for terrible crimes, the articles often state
that the parents finally did it to help the child. The funny thing is we all
seem to understand that these parents did act out of unconditional love. They
did the hard thing because they love their children, not because they didn't. We
sacrifice for our children, we guide them and then we let them grow into the
best person they can become. Why don't we provide the same love and support for
our spouses? We should love our spouses with the same strength that we do our
children. We need to think about what is best for them. My wife needed to be
independent. I need to know that she stayed with me because she wanted to, not
because she needed to. We need to help each other grow to put our own needs
second as we are forced to do with our children. I love to go to the movies, but
after the birth of my daughter I knew that I wasn't going to see any movies for
awhile. I understood this best when my mother in-law came out just before her
birth. Three weeks after the birth I asked my wife if her Mom could watch our
daughter while we went to a movie. I would have been better off asking if my new
daughter could play with dynamite. I was surprised because this was my wife's
mother, not some stranger, but there was no way that I was going to get my wife to
leave her daughter so soon after her birth. I did not feel like I had sacrificed
for my daughter. I did learn that my wife was going to be very protective of our
little girl. Parents can give up things for their children. Things like, sleep,
money, freedom, time alone. We give up these things all the time if you
complained to your friends about it they would think you were naive or selfish.
Imagine telling your friends that your child did not let you sleep through the
night. I am sure they would ask, "You thought you were going to be able to
sleep?" In relationships with our spouses we sometimes want to switch roles we
want to be the child and let them be the parent.
Anybody can be the child, the trick is
to be the parent.
I have worked with guys that wanted to spend
every night out with their friends. I have talked with women that wanted their
husbands to spend every waking moment with them. It is easy to decide what we
need and demand it. It is much harder to decide what we need to give and provide
it. Look at your spouse and decide what you need to do to help them improve. Look
with the same eyes that you look at your children with. If one of your friends
told you, you needed to spend more time with your children you would not reject
the idea out of hand. If the same friend told you that you needed to spend more
time with your spouse, you just might reject the idea. I have friends that answer
my questions about how little time they spend with their spouse with the
statement "She is a big girl, I need some time to myself." They would never use
that same excuse if I asked why they didn't spend more time with their kids. We
subjugate our desires to our children but we demand gratification from our spouses.
I used the term parental love to be controversial, and because people over used
or misunderstand the term "unconditional love." It is not unquestioning
love, it is unselfish love.
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