The flights over to Asia are also very long so I knew I wouldn't have to fight with the rest of the guys on the team. I pick Asia and sent out a couple introduction messages over to the local team. They were very enthusiastic and wanted me to come over as soon as possible. The flight over was much cheaper on Singapore airlines but business class was much more expensive it would have cost me an extra $10,000 dollars to fly up front so I flew in the back.

I like Singapore airlines but they really treat the guys in the back like second class citizens. I have to change planes in Los Angeles and the Singapore ground staff keep looking at my ticket as if it indicated that I was trailer trash. They wouldn't upgrade me using my Delta miles, in fact they didn't even give me miles for the fight because I wasn't flying Raffles (business) class .

I fly into the old Hong Kong airport which was the most dangerous airport in the world at that time. You fly in between the buildings. Hong Kong is amazing. It makes Tokyo look uncrowded, every usable inch has something on it and they have to build up since there is no more room to build out. The people, like all Asian people that I have met, are warm, generous to a fault and truly enjoy spending time with you.

I am met at the airport by a car. The other guys are not coming in until later because tomorrow is a holiday. I wasn't aware of that when I scheduled the trip but now I will have a free day in Hong Kong.

I am greeted at the door by the hotel staff and they whisk me to my room. It is bigger than my apartment in Germany and it has four large picture windows which look out over the Hong Kong harbor. The view is amazing. The hostess shows me around the rest of the room or rooms since I have a dining area that opens into a sitting area and finally a bedroom. The bathroom is bigger than my son's bedroom and all of the fixtures are gold. She asks me if this room will do? I am afraid to tell her that she must have the wrong guy since this room can not be my room, I answer, "This will do."

It has taken me 24 hours to get here from Dallas so I take a quick shower and then pass out on the bed. I wake up to the harbor lights of Hong Kong and the view at night is at least as impressive as the view was during the day.

I am a little hungry so I decide to go out. This is a really nice hotel but it is on the waterfront and I speak no mandarin. I know my lack of language skills is a reoccurring theme in these stories. I'm not proud of it. When I was in the Army I applied for Special Forces but to get in you have to learn a language. I took the Army's language aptitude test and the tester told me, "Son, I am surprised you can speak English."

Not being able to speak the language and being on the waterfront I decided to stay in the hotel. I picked one of the restaurants made a reservation for "a party of one" for an hour later then took another shower and changed into a jacket and tie just incase. I didn't want to get tossed out of my room because I was a savage from the New World.

The company was picking up the tab but I thought I would let them off easy. I ordered a pasta dish with sun dried tomatoes, I know, not very oriental but I would make up for it over the next couple of weeks. I got a glass of house wine and no dessert. I charged the meal to my room. I didn't have a complete grasp of the exchange rate but later found out that my pasta dinner cost me $65 more than my room, $300 dollars for pasta.

I booked a tour of Hong Kong for the next day at the front desk. It was one of those shopping tours they take you from one vendor to the next showing you how suits, or luggage, or jewelry are made. Since it was a holiday no one was working except the sales staff. I didn't care too much about the suits or luggage but since I'm married, the sales staff explained that I couldn't leave Hong Kong without buying some jewelry for my wife.

I wasn't going to do it since I had already messed up the exchange rate once and this was my nickel we were talking about. Of course I love my wife and the prices seemed reasonable so I ended up buying a pearl necklace. The salesperson explained to me that you can not give a woman a pearl necklace without giving her pearl earrings. She also explained that since a necklace has so many pearls that you can get away with getting lower quality pearls (I think she was telling me that I had just bought my wife a very expensive cheap pearl necklace) Any way she talked me into buying two, much more expensive, pearls for the earrings. She then decided that the pearls looked a little lonely so we should add some diamonds to set them off. I think the only reason I finally escaped was because I had maxed out my credit card.

The other guys flew in that afternoon so we hooked up for dinner and luckily I never had to reach in to my wallet again. We did a lot of customer meetings and since this was Hong Kong all of them were in English. We stayed in Hong Kong for another couple of days doing breakfast, lunch and dinner meetings around our normal meetings. We then flew on to Beijing.

I woke up in a very nice hotel in Beijing but the flight over and the taxi ride to the hotel was all a blur. I have discovered that I drink a lot more when I am traveling with other people. I look out of my hotel windows and see the Chinese Flag. It strikes me as funny. I spent 11 years in the Army and I have seen the Chinese Flag a lot but it was always on Aircraft recognition cards. The cards that we used to train when to shoot and when not to shoot. In the case of the Chinese Flag it was always a shoot situation. I like China and don't consider them an enemy, but 11 years of saying "shoot" is a hard habit to break.

We drive past Red Square to the first meeting , I would have loved to have stopped but not this trip. The day is hectic and we go from one meeting to the next. We have a late night dinner meeting with some customers but because of my lack of language skills I don't know who they are or what they do. They are not all that friendly and I start to think maybe they spent 11 years in the Chinese military. They want me to drink something which sounds a lot like "white lightning" pure grain alcohol. The hostess don't have any and she really doesn't want to get us any. You can not buy it from a store or supplier it has to be bought off the street. One of our guys convinces her to send someone out to get us some.

It comes in a brown paper bag and drinks are poured all around. I have a rule that anything over 180 proof is not to be sipped, mixed, or enjoyed. You drink it by taking a big breath, shooting it down your throat and then letting the air out of your lungs. Nothing can make 90% alcohol taste good. I look around the table to see how they are going to drink it but they are waiting to see what I will do. I take a deep, but not obvious breath, and I slam it back. I bang the glass on the table which gets smiles all around. It also gets the glass refilled. They wait for me to do it again but I hold out my outstretched hands to indicate that I am not going to be drinking alone tonight. They all slam one back and I am forced to repeat the process.

This goes on for a mind numbing amount of time. My old Chinese Army buddies have warmed to me considerably. They spend the rest of the night talking to me, but since my Cantonese is non-existent and their English was poor and after five glasses of "White Lightning" was not improving we really didn't say all that much of importance to each other. It was decided that we should go to an after hours club.

I was also treated to a "hostess" read hooker. I mean she was available as a hooker if I wanted. I assure you since I am happily married and don't want Cheryl to take half of my stuff I didn't want to. This started to get a bit embarrassing since our customers decided that they did want to. One by one they would leave the room and come back smiling and laughing. All of the goodwill I had built up by drinking with them was slowly slipping away. I assumed that it seemed like a racial insult. Maybe I didn't find Chinese women attractive. She was attractive, not attractive enough to lose half my stuff over, but she was very pretty.

Here is my dilemma. We are in what is considered by some a repressive society, I am in an illegal after hours bar, drinking moonshine whiskey, with a hooker, and my new friends think that I might be insulting them. I do have a very expensive pearl necklace and earrings for Cheryl so I figure she might give me a pass on this.  I am sure she doesn’t want me to “lose face.” so I take the girls' hand and we head out.

We get into another part of the bar and we slip into a dark booth. I think she thinks I am an exhibitionist. I was just kidding about Cheryl giving me a pass. If I did spend time with a hooker Cheryl would keep the jewelry and then take half of my stuff. I am in the booth because I just don't want to get caught not doing something that I am not supposed to be doing. I order a scotch, which I don't need but I can not think of any other reason to be taking up a booth. We talk about almost nothing and I get her to tell me what I would be called in China. She tells me, “Honored guest” and stuff like that until I finally get her to understand the real question I am asking. I wanted to know the racial slur that she would use for an American. She tells me that we don't get our own racial slur that all westerners are referred to as "Gwailo", Gwai=ghost, lo=man or White ghost. I am pretty sure that she is going to tell all of her friends about the crazy Gwailo that didn’t sleep with her but took her to sit in a booth for 45 minutes.

We sat around for awhile longer. I give the waitress and my "hostess" a big tip and then we go back into the room. I was smiling and laughing and getting a big thumbs up from my new buddies. A few of the guys went out for a second time but since two of my new friends had already passed out I was safe and didn't have to go out and sit in the bar one more time.

I had to fly down to Shanghai the next day so I was pretty glad I was done drinking for the night. This was my first flight on Air China.  I have been on worst airlines but it is very different flying domestically in China. One of the differences is the restrooms in the airport. It wasn’t a hole that you squatted over, although that was an option. The thing that surprised me was there was no toilet paper. You had to get this from a woman attendant who issued it out one square at a time.

I got met at the airport in Shanghai by a driver which surprised me because I assumed that I would be met by the local account team. I checked into a nice hotel but now I wasn't sure if anyone from the company knew I was in Shanghai. This always bothers me since I don't know what time to wake up and since I have never met the local guy before it would be hard to pick him out in the morning. I ask the front desk to give me a wake up call for 6:00 am. I get that call and then I get another call at 6:10 am from the account manager. He is waiting for me and has been waiting since 6:00 am. I was pretty sure that no one would want me before 6:30 am. I finish my shower and I am tucking my shirt into my trousers as I leave my room at 6:18 am.

I pick out the local guy because he is very nervous and he is obviously looking for a Gwailo. He hurries me outside and I look around for his car or a cab. The only thing I see is this really beat up sub-sub-compact car with crushed velvet seat covers. There are two guys in the front seat and one guy in the back. The account manager gets into this beat up car and motions me in. This is a really small car and I know that we don't have four guys working in the Shanghai area. I'm a bit concerned that maybe this is why Shanghai is called Shanghai. There is not much I can do at this point so I squeeze myself into this tiny car and as soon as I do we are off like a shot. I ask where we are going and I am told we are going to Huinan. This is what I assume I am told because that is where we ended up. I really don't know what I was told since I never understood a word the Account Manager told me.

I would ask questions in English and he would answer in English but I never did understand what he was trying to tell me. I didn't understand that the customer was not in Shanghai but in Huinan until I was already convinced that I had gotten in the wrong car and was being spirited away by young Chinese bandits. The account manager didn’t have a car so he hired this one. I still don’t understand who the extra guys were.

We got out to meet with the customer, leaving the extra guys in the car. The customer doesn’t speak any English so the account manager translates for me, of course since he doesn’t understand anything I am saying I don’t believe he is doing a good job. This is confirmed when I say, “…blah, blah, NetWare, blah, blah, ZENworks…” and I hear in Cantonese “…blah, blah, GroupWise, blah, blah, eDirectory…” We do two more customer calls in Huinan and a late night dinner meeting in Shanghai. They all go the same way I say, "blah, blah, NetWare, blah, blah, ZENworks…” and I hear “…blah, blah, GroupWise, blah, blah, eDirectory…” The funny thing is I don’t change my pitch and neither does the account manager.

I am back on Air China heading to Xi'an. We have a conference for a bunch of customers there and I am going to give the keynote speech. I have been told that humor does not translate well but I’m in a pretty good mood so I decide to open with a joke. I have gotten in trouble with it before but it is the only one I know that I think will translate over to Cantonese. I get introduced and start right in. “A guy is walking down the beach and he finds a lamp. He picks it up and rubs the lamp.” I pause to let the translator translate. She looks at me like I am an idiot since she knows that a joke with never work with this crowd, or because she has heard the joke before and doesn’t think it is funny. She translates and I get smiles from the audience, this emboldens me and I continue, “Out of the lamp pops a Genie. The Genie says I will grant you a single wish.” I pause for translation and the audience laughs. I assume because everyone knows that you get three wishes. I am very happy with myself now. I continue, “The guy thinks about his wish for awhile and then finally says, I want to go to Hawaii. The Genie replies you want to go to Hawaii? You only have one wish and it is to go to Hawaii?” I pause again but don’t get any laughs.

This is Ok I wasn’t expecting much so I continue. “The guy says to the Genie, you don’t understand I am afraid of flying and don’t like boats so I want to drive to Hawaii. The Genie thinks about it and then says, That is much too hard you don’t understand a bridge from here to Hawaii would be so large that it would effect the ocean tides, the amount of concrete would be astronomical and there would be tremendous undersea pressures. No, it is too much. You must choose another wish.” I pause, she translates and the audience laughs. I assume because the Genie wouldn’t grant this fellow his wish.

I deliver the punch line, “The guy thinks about another wish and says, Ok if that is too hard. I wish that I could understand women. The Genie rolls his eyes and says, Do you want a two lane or a four lane bridge?” I pause the translator looks at me like I am nuts. She waits and I finally prompt her to translate. She translates the punch line and there is dead silence. You could hear a pin drop. There is a very painful pause and just as I am going to continue with my speech, she starts to speak again. She finishes and the crowd goes wild, they are laughing and clapping. I am amazed and since they are in such a good mood I continue with my speech.

I finish up my speech but I don’t tell any more jokes. The audience is attentive and seems interested in everything that I say. I finish up and some of them line up to talk to me. I walk over to the translator first and thank her. I also ask her, “How did you fix the joke so that it worked in Cantonese? She smiled at me and said, “I didn’t. I told the audience that you were an honored guest and that it would be impolite not to laugh at your joke.

I was walking back over to greet the people and was thinking back to what I heard her say during the translation and I swear the only thing I remember hearing clearly was “Gwailo”