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Bar Room Humor
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| Guy walks in, drops $50 bucks on the bar
and says, "Line up three Scotch whiskeys , straight up." The Bartender
pours the three drinks. He watches as the guy looks up to heaven and
says. "If you run, you'll only die tired." He then slams back each
drink, turns to the bartender says, "Keep the change." and walks out. A year later the same guy walks in drops $50 bucks on the bar and says, "Line up three Scotch whiskeys , straight up." The Bartender pours the three drinks and watches as the guy looks up toward heaven again and says. "If you run, you'll only die tired." He slams back each drink turns to the bartender and says, "Keep the change." and begins to walk out of the bar. The Bartender stops him and says, "I hate to ask you, but what is this all about?" The guy explains, "I was a sniper in the gulf war and just before we went out on an especially scary mission me and two of my buddies said we would meet up at this bar and drink a whiskey when we made it back to the world. I'm the only one that made it back so I decided I'd order each of us a drink, in honor of the best men ever to not make it back." A year later the guy walks back in drops another $50 on the bar and says, "Line up two Scotch whiskeys , straight up." The Bartender pours the two drinks. He watches as the guy looks up toward heaven again and says. "If you run, you'll only die tired." He slams back both drinks then turns to the bartender and says, "Keep the change and begins to walk out of the bar again." The Bartender stops him one more time and says, "I hate to ask, especially after the heartbreaking story you related to me last time. Why only two drinks this time?" The guy responded, "I converted to the Mormon Church and we don't drink." My second bar room joke is: A guy walks into the bar turns to the Bartender and asks, What is the best Scotch whiskey that you have? The Bartender responds I have an investment bottle of 100 year old single malt Scotch, but it is very expensive. The guy puts up his hand to stop the Bartender and says "I'll take the bottle." "Sir it is very expensive and I can't sell you a bottle of whiskey this is a bar, not a Liquor store." The guy looks the bartender straight in the eye and with a slight crack in his voice says, "Look I served in the war with one of the best men to ever look down the barrel of a rifle. He saved my life more times than I can remember. He was the best man at my wedding and I was the best man at his. One night out on patrol we made a pack who ever died first, the other would buy the best Scotch whiskey we could find and pour it over the other's grave. He died this week and it took me this long to get here. You are the only decent place open so I don't care what it cost, I want to buy that bottle of Whiskey. The Bartender didn't know what to say so he unlocked the cabinet and pulled out the bottle. The guy paid for it and asked for a glass. The Bartender was shocked to see the guy open the bottle and pour himself a tall glass of whiskey from the bottle. "Wait a minute." the Bartender asked, "You said you were going to pour that over your friends grave." The guy winked at him and said, "I am, but I'm going to filter it through my body first." The third joke is really a true story not a joke: I was riding on top of a tank, teaching gunnery to a brand new crew, as a safety precaution we always have them depress the main gun when leaving the range so they don't shoot a round outside of the firing area. This crew was pretty rough and they hadn't had a particularly good run down range so I was very firm when I commanded. "Clear the gun." "Safe the gun." They didn't respond but I saw them clear and safe the gun. I consoled them, "Gentlemen, Please acknowledge my commands." I heard a loud "Yes Sergent." Just before we turned off the range I said into the intercom, "Depress the gun." The gun was lowered but before I could complain to them about not acknowledging my commands I heard, "You are a bad gun, You couldn't hit the side of a barn. The other guns think you are a sissy, bad gun. You should be ashamed." I asked, "Specialist. What the heck are you doing?" I heard the tank commander laugh as he said, "I think he is trying to depress the gun. Sergeant." |
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